This is the final part in The Male Profile…and here’s one final note. We women are so much more accepting of a man’s defects, than men are of ours, so listen up, men. Be brave. Be honest. You’ll stand taller, look stronger, and come across much sexier when you’re not afraid to just be you.
1. If you claim to be 40, but the photo you’ve posted makes you look 60, we’re either going to think you’re a big fat liar…or that you don’t take care of yourself. So not sexy, and so not worthy of a second look.
2. Don’t know how to spell? This is one time I suggest you fake it. Sum vary intelligent men I no can bearly spel there own name, butt I no them personaly an I no their smart, so it dusn’t mater. Butt if your trying too make a good impressing, than git yor mom or a frend to chek what you’ve wrote. Or at the vary lease, use spel cheker. It’l pik up a god porshun of yor erors.
3. Are you wearing a hat in your profile pic? Is it because you’re sporting a chrome dome? And do you think we won’t notice when we meet you? If that’s the case, don’t let it be a surprise. Hats off in at least one profile picture, please.
4. Did you write that you’re toned/athletic/in good physical condition? Then when we finally agree to meet you, we don’t expect to see someone who looks as though he’s been on a thirty-day fast. You’re skinny! On the flip-side, if you’ve got six inches of flab hanging over your belt, that’s not muscle. It’s blubber! Enough said.
5. Do you tell us too much too soon? Does your profile include absolutely every detail about your life from the time you were conceived to what you wore on your first day of school to how your braces got caught on your bottom lip and you had to get stitches, and because you had stitches you couldn’t get a girlfriend, so you had to masturbate and your mom caught you in the act and you were so embarrassed that you took off in your 68′ Barracuda and you got pulled over because you were driving erratically because you’d just smoked a doobie, and when the cop walked up to your window, you were so freaked that he might smell it that you pissed yourself, but it all worked out because then you stood up for your best friend at his wedding, where you met your soul mate, whom you married, but then divorced two years later because she screwed your best friend’s brother, and now here you are looking for love in all the right places…online? (Big breath.) If so, you’ve told us too much. Resist the urge to spew…even if it means you have to smash your typing finger with a ball peen hammer. Leave us something to discover. All you really need to do is convince us you’re not an axe murderer or a liar, and you might just get a date. Remember…no mystery, no magic.
6. Are you five foot nine and calling yourself six foot one? Do you think we won’t notice when we meet you for the first time and are standing face to face (literally) with you? If so, not only will we know that you’re a liar, but we’ll also know you have, um, shortcoming issues.