The Male Profile… What’s up with that? Part One

Dating is hard. Why make it harder? Why can’t men just tell the facts, ma’am? I don’t know the answer to that question, but we women have busy lives and we don’t have time to date for the sake of dating. Just give us the truth from the get-go and it’ll save everyone the time and energy it takes to meet and decide if there’s any chance in hell we think you might be our soul mate, bed mate, or just plain friend…with benefits, if you’re lucky. This is for all you men who are clueless about what we women want.

Seven Ways to Improve Your On-Line Profile Right Now:

1. Don’t tell us you love to laugh. It’s unnecessary. We don’t assume you like to sit around with a frown plastered to your mug. And if you’re smiling in your profile photo, then you’ve already shown us your happy little self.

2. Has a stray hand/shoulder/cheek found its way into your profile pic? Do you think we won’t notice? We will, and at the very least, it’s distracting. If you want us concentrating solely on you, and not that stray hand/shoulder/cheek, do yourself a favor and have a friend take a new photo…one where we can actually make out your face would be helpful…because if you don’t and you’re going up against a man who has taken the time to post a good pic, guess what? You lose.

3. We don’t care if all your friends and your mom think you’re handsome or sexy or intelligent or funny. We only care if we think you are, so don’t waste the key strokes adding this tidbit to your profile. FYI, if you are handsome or sexy, we can see that for ourselves from your photo…if you’ve posted a good one. And if you’re intelligent or funny, we can tell that by what you write in your profile. Show, don’t tell.

4. Please don’t tell us you like to cuddle. Men don’t cuddle. In fact, never utter the word cuddle in our presence–or even on paper. In FACT, forget you even know the word. Men don’t cuddle. Fluffy little dogs like to cuddle. MEN DON’T! You can say you enjoy spending quality time with your arms wrapped around us, while we chill out on the sofa in front of a roaring fire as we listen to Barry White…but never ever mention you enjoy cuddling.

5. You claim to travel a lot. In fact, you say you love to travel. Yet when we ask you to drive ten miles to meet us, you have a million excuses why you can’t. Ergo, you either don’t have a current working form of transportation or you’re just not that into us. So why have you been wasting our time?

6. Are you a Democrat? Say it! Are you Republican? Say it! Don’t freaking tell us you’re Middle of the Road. We won’t be impressed with your open mindedness. We’ll either think you’re lying because you’re so desperate for a date that you don’t want to chance ending things before they even begin, or we’ll think you’re a wishy washy flip-flopper. So cowboy-up. Own who you are. Eventually, if things progress, we’ll find out, anyway. Better to say nothing than to say you’re Middle of the Road.

And speaking of Democrats and Republicans…If you truly can’t stand to breathe the same air as someone who has a different political belief from yourself, fine. But don’t make up snotty little names for those who believe differently. Calling people DemoRATS or RepubliTARDS only shows us immaturity…which may be one of the reasons you were dumped by your ex…which might be one of the reasons we dumped our ex. FYI, that’s not to say that once you get to know each other, you can’t spew all the names in your arsenal about any political party that opposes your own point of view. It’s all about bonding over the issues, yes?

7. Don’t say you’re looking for a drama-free woman. Women are all about drama. Whether you know it or not, or whether you want to admit it or not, drama is one of the things you enjoy about us!

Thanks for reading. Look for Part Two about the male profile to be posted in about a week.

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