Ten Things To Keep In Mind When Planning Your Own Wedding…

*          Eighty percent of your guests won’t care about your music selection. Choose what you and your groom enjoy and dance like no one is watching.

*          Always task a back-up person (i.e., friend/stranger/family member) to take wedding photos. Camera batteries die, photographers go missing, s#!t happens, so be prepared.

*          Do not expect your cake to be the flavor or have the icing or filling you ordered. By the time you cut the cake, it’s too late to take it back, so accept it as is and be glad it even arrived.

*          Do not expect your wedding bouquet, or any other wedding flowers, to actually look like what you explained in great detail to the florist. And, too, don’t blow a blood vessel at said florist when you see that she f#&$%d up. Unless she’s an ex of your husband-to-be and has evil intentions (so, why would you hire her?), she, in all likelihood, did not f%&k up on purpose.

*          Your Maid of Honor may not be aware of certain duties and/or your desire to have her perform certain tasks, so do not expect her to: 1) plan a bachelorette party, 2) provide you with something old, something new, something borrowed, or something blue, 3) arrange your dress attractively at your feet for picture taking, 4) offer an after-ceremony toast, or 5) refrain from getting blottoed and doing the best man.

*          Do not send a wedding invite to any family members of any previous marriages. Too, do not allow them in the door should they invite themselves. And while we’re discussing the invite list, do not send an invite to people who make you feel like you can’t let your hair down. This is your day. Have fun, be crazy!

*          Do not waste money on veggie trays. Most people, once they get your invite, will either anticipate blowing any diet they may be on, or will be too tempted to avoid food splurging when they see everyone else stuffing their faces with butter-poached Red Spot prawns, cheese soufflé, and wild Tasmanian sea trout.

*          Do not expect your wedding dress to fit perfectly. The final week before your wedding, your nerves will cause a three-fold increase in calories burned, which may result in your dress hanging loosely on your hips. Accept this phenomenon and embrace your slimness. Soon, you’ll be back to normal weight and you’ll be wishing you had another event to shatter your calm.

*          Do not expect monkey sex on your wedding night. No matter how passionate your groom has been in the past, fuhgetaboutit! He’s not getting it up. Nor are you. Sleep it off, wake up with a smile, and join him in the shower.

*          Don’t worry. Be friends, be lovers, be happy!

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